Here is to a New Year

Its been awhile since I blogged last and it has been a busy 2 weeks. After the blood transfusion, I was feeling great. I had another round of chemo on the 17th and the 24th. We even came home from Chemo and made a Christmas Dinner. During those 2 weeks, I finished my shopping, cooked dinners, went to holiday parties, took the kids to the movies, and just felt myself again. You tend to take alot of those things for granted until you cant do it anymore. It was so nice and I enjoyed every minute of the precious time I had and was so thankful to be well enough during the holidays so I could participate with the kids. To say the very least, I did not stop. The snow we had was an added bonus. I am also happy to report that after todays chemo, I am officially over the hump and on the downhill slide. 11 weeks down and 9 to go. Target date for the last treatment is scheduled for March 5th.

My luck did run out and it caught up with me. I got very sick the day after Christmas and today is the first day I am feeling better. I had to wait out the weekend and called the Oncology Clinic on Monday. They were able to see me and said I had a sinus infection. My nose had been bleeding for days but some of it was the infection and some could be a side effect from the chemo. I got some antibiotics and went home since my blood counts were not concerning. They suggested I stay for fluids but we had the kids and after being there for 2 1/2 hrs I was willing to wait it out and see what happened. My throat was also hurting but we attributed it to the drainage. By that night, I realized very quickly it was not my throat but my neck muscles (or lymphnodes in my neck) and I was having a hard time catching my breath when I got out of bed. By Tuesday, my neck muscles hurt so bad that I could not even get up or roll without feeling like my muscles were tightening up and I was out of breath just walking to the kitchen. For fear of what could happen and the unknown of what was going on, we went to the ER. I had another infection and I got a shot of an antibiotic as well as another antibiotic to take home. I feel like I can open up a pharmacy at my house with all the meds I am taking. They are thinking the muscle pain is from the chemo and it is common to have arthritis/muscle pain but not usually in the neck area. The dr in the Emergency Room seems to think the pain radiated in my neck from the infection that I had( I am not so convinced but I dont have M.D. behind my name). Needless to say, Wednesday I got sick from all the drugs in my system so I was worried I would not be well enough to have chemo today. Luckily, I woke up much better and off we went. The DR advised me to stay away from large populated areas, movies, schools, etc and to not compromise my health if I did not absolutely have to. So homebound I am to get my immunities back up (but not for long). I will get out again once everyone is back in school and less people are out.

So Cheers to a New Year in 2010. May we all have lots of good health, love and happiness coming our way.

A Great Day

The last several posts seem very negative so I am happy to report that I am having a great day today (and yesterday). I actually got out of the house today and went to the grocery store (with husband in tow), dropped off the kids for school, picked them up, wrapped a few gifts, helped with homework, and cooked dinner. It has been a long time since I was able to say the famous 3 words....Dinner is ready! What a feeling it is to be back in the land of the living. Bryan says he is happy to have his wife back and I am thrilled to be back-even for a short time. I laughed today and it felt good to appear normal. I feel like I got so much accomplished today and I feel in control again. I love it.

I have a muga scan follow up scheduled for tomorrow. They are checking to make sure that the chemo regimen I was taking did not damage my heart. It is protocol before they can start the second regimen since the one I was doing is known to cause heart damage. The second regimen (Taxol) starts Friday and will continue for 12 weeks. The side effects are supposed to be minimal compared to what I have been through for the past 8 weeks. I dont expect a cake walk but do expect to function alot better than I have been. I have enjoyed my naps but I am hoping those days are gone-I have too much to do.

I am looking forward to the Holiday parties at school this week and then spending 2 weeks at home with the kids. Happy Holidays to everyone!

What a week

Interesting for sure. Had my last round of the bad chemo and something told me to prepare myself. I left the chemo chair feeling unsettled and my nurse Karen (not my normal nurse but a great one) asked me to come back on Fri for IV fluids. She thought it would help me feel better and keep from dehydrating. I still did not feel better after the fluids so she asked me to come in on Monday if I was still sick over the weekend. By Monday I was worse and Bryan had to convince me to get out of bed and go to the chemo store. Katie (my regular nurse) took one look at me and off we went. Fluids were pumped in and I was hopeful. All of a sudden, things just got weird and I did not feel right. My blood counts dropped and my blood pressure was dangerously low. Next thing I remember was getting a shot to kick in my red blood count and being sent to the hospital for cross matching. I was so weak I had to be in a wheelchair. I was sent home after the blood tests and had to be back at 8:00 Tue morning for a blood transfusion. Bryan was scheduled to leave that morning and he could not do it so he cancelled his work trip to be with me. It took 9 hours to get all the blood I needed. Once again I was sent home and told I would feel better in about 24 hours which I did, but still not great. I am so thankful I am done with the worst of the chemo and ready to start the weekly doses that are not supposed to be as hard. I feel like I am missing out on so much and it is getting harder and harder to stay positive. I have been blessed with great people that have been there for me through it all and have seen me through the worst of this. Now if I can just get well enough to get out and start shopping for Christmas-I would be a happy camper.

Good and Bad

Finally have enough energy to update-well not really but I am forcing myself to do it. This round kicked my butt and I am still trying to fully recover from it. Once again-they are going to make a change and hope for better results on this round. I have been nauseated off and on and had mouth sores all down my throat so it makes it hard to eat (and dont eat that much). Believe it or not-my metabolism has shut down due to low activity and I have managed to retain all of the fluid from the chemo and have gained 12lbs in 3weeks. Are you kidding me...12 freakin' lbs!!!! I am so NOT happy about that at all. Needless to say-I get to start taking a pill that will help get rid of the fluid build up. Also, they are putting me on an anxiety/depression pill. Guess I need it-so says the doctor and I think I have to agree at this point!

Good news is that tomorrow I will have my last red devil injection and the last bad round of chemo. WOOHOO--I did it! Thanks again to all my friends and family that continue to come and sit with me at the chemo store. The laughs get me through the crazy ordeal. Dec 18th I will start the 12 weeks of Taxol which is a lower regimen and given once a week. Less severe side effects associated with it but alot of possible allergic reactions so I have to take over the counter meds before/during/after the treatment (benadryl & Zantac) to help prevent them. I am praying I wont be sick and that it will be easier to handle. Although I have had great people helping me with the kids, running my errands, and cooking meals, I am ready to get control of my life back.

I went for my labwork today and counts are good. Also found out that if I decide to do the bi-lateral mastectomy, I would save myself 7 weeks of daily radiation. Pretty excited about that. I know what I need to do but I have some time to figure it all out and determine what is best. I am leaning towards the bi-lateral mastectomy. Stay tuned for what may happen next....every day is a new day!

Test Results Are In

Well, definitely not the results I was hoping for. I found out today that I did test positive for the Cancer Gene BRCA1. A mutation or alteration in the BRCA1 causes most cases of hereditary breast and ovarian cancer (HBOC). HBOC syndrome increases the risk of various cancers (and recurrences) but primarily attack breast and ovarian. The kids also have a 50% chance that I have passed it down to them. My next step is to consider my options of a mastectomy as well as a hysterectomy since the risks of recurrence now are very high. Not sure I am willing to do nothing and risk the cancer coming back with a vengance. Looks like I won't be able to "save the Ta-Ta's" after all. So much to think about and so many other unanswered questions. Unfortunately, I was too upset at the Dr's office to think of the questions that I now have.

Labwork today was really good. Overall, the best it has been since I started the chemo. Got the thumbs up to start round 3 tomorrow. Few minor tweaks again and hoping the nausea won't be as bad this time. Dr. Rosenfeld told me that I am doing the hardest regimen of chemo that there is and he is very pleased at how my body is tolerating it all. Not sure I agree with him but I guess other people don't do so well. I am hoping to be up and recovered by Thanksgiving because my entire family is coming into town.

Another Round Over

I am finally well enough to post again. The treatments this round made me sick most of the week. I did not get the other side effects from the first round (thanks to the tweaking) but I have been nauseated and felt yucky all week. I got out yesterday for the first time and was able to watch Kaitlyn ride her horse during Horses For Healing. It was such a beautiful thing to see. Unfortunately when I got home, it kicked in again and I was down the rest of the day/night. I'm hoping for additional tweaks on the next round because I am not good with the sick feeling all the time. Luckily, Bryan was home most of this week so my mom was only here for a day. Dinners are still being provided 3 days a week and that has been a huge help and one less thing I have to worry about. Thanks again to everyone that has helped out and have come by to hang out with me "in the bed" even if I am sleeping.

I also decided to get the genetic testing done to see if I am a carrier for the cancer gene (mutation as it is called). I will have those results Wednesday. If I carry the gene, it will help determine what steps will be taken next in order to ensure there wont be a re occurrence. If I test positive, I have a 67% chance that this could happen again and the kids have a 50% chance that I have passed the gene to them. I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.

Today is my 11th anniversary. Hard to believe that 12 1/2 yrs ago I met my husband in a Dale Carnegie Class. Very ironic as we celebrate this year that I remember the vows we took to love honor and cherish, in sickness and in health, until death us do part. I am so thankful he meant it.

Reality sets in

Today was the day that confirmed the reality of what I have been going through for the past 3 months. Today is the day my hair started falling out. Through this entire process, this was the hardest for me emotionally. I have waited anxiously for this day and thought I was fully prepared for what was about to happen. I thought I had come to terms with the hair loss and was ready to just get it over with-then it happened and I don't feel so ready.

Since I started my meds last weekend for all the infections I had, I have felt great. I have had 4 days of feeling somewhat normal again other than just being tired. I took advantage of those days and enjoyed the little things that I would normally take for granted. I actually braved the outside world yesterday and went to hang out with a dear friend and even went out to lunch.

I went to have my lab work done today and to meet with the oncologist to talk about the side effects from my last treatment and see what we would do differently for the treatment tomorrow. Luckily, my White Blood Counts were back up to 7.2 which is normal. They were at a 2.2 last week when I was sick. They are going to make a few changes to "my regimen" and use less steroids which they are hoping will decrease the side effects I had last time. They are also hoping my counts wont drop so low and that my immune system will stay up.

keeping my fingers crossed!

Update from today's earlier blog

So I am not crazy! I feel much better about that. Been down all week and was bothered by it all since I expected to be much better by now. My chemo nurse called to check on me and when I told her what was going on with me-she asked me to come in and have some lab work to check my blood counts. I am so glad I did. My white blood counts and iron are still low but I also have a viral and a bacterial infection. I knew I was struggling with eating and swallowing and the back of my throat hurt so bad but I thought it was part of the mouth sores so I dealt with it (complained alot but dealt with it). Thought that was why I was so fatigued also. Boy was I wrong. I am now on another antibiotic as well as medicine for thrush. seriously can anything else go wrong? Really!

Still Recovering

Well, seems odd to me that I am still a little under the weather with the first treatment. I know they told me the first one would be the worst but since I handled it so well at the beginning, I thought it would not last so long. Unfortunately I am still experiencing the side effects and struggle with food since the side effects seem to change constantly. I now have the mouth sores as well as night sweats and heat flashes and still alternate between the metal taste in my mouth. Still very fatigued but realized that all the meds I get for the side effects-cause drowsiness. My immune system is very low which is why the nurse said I got the mouth sores so early. Apparently my body was fighting an infection before I started the chemo and my white blood counts were already low. I have been hibernating in the house for a week to ensure that I do not catch anything from getting out in the stores. My nurse reassured me that all of this is normal and to expect to be "off" until day 10 due to the adriamycin ( the red devil). So I should be close to normal by Monday or Tuesday so I can start all over again on Thursday. She said this is the worst of it and when I start my weekly treatments on Taxol, it will be easier. I hope she is right. I hate asking for help.

My clinical Trial nurse called yesterday to check on me to see if I am getting any of the additional side effects from the clinical Study I am doing. Aside from all the other treatments, I am also getting Avastin every 3 weeks for a year. It is currently in a clinical study (with few side effects) to see if it reduces existing tumors. For those of us that are triple negative and have already had the tumors removed, they are testing it to see if it helps minimize the odds of any cancer cells returning after the treatments are done. At this point, I will do anything that could ensure I never have to go through this again.

Mom left yesterday and I was so glad that Bryan was able to make it home with all of the weather delays. Alex is feeling better and back to normal and Kaitlyn woke up at 5:oo this morning with a cough and not feeling well so I have a new "bed buddy" today. Hope she feels better because she is so excited to go trick or treating tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a safe and Happy Halloween.

I did it.

I made it through my first round of chemo. I am so happy to report that I did not get the vomiting that normally is associated with chemo treatments. I was a little sick the first few days but took all the meds they prescribed for me and they helped a lot. I did endure several of the side effects that they mentioned I would get but I am handling it all ok. The worst of it is over but the metal taste in my mouth I still cant seem to get rid of. Nothing sounds good to eat so I am struggling getting food into my body. Eating Lemon Drops does help but does not take it away completely. Aside from the fatique, anemia, low blood pressure, and skin irritation from the steroids, I am resting comfortably. I am also experiencing bone pains (from the nuelasta shot on Fri. that goes directly to my Bone Marrow to increase my white blood counts). I am feeling relieved to have gotten past the first round. Thanks Tiff for visiting me during my first treatment and to everyone that has contacted us to make sure we were ok.

and so it began.....

I was greeted at the chemo store by a smiling face named Katie (how appropriate). She was my friends nurse when he went through his treatments last year and he contacted her and asked if she would make sure to pick me as her "patient of the day" and take care of me. She has been amazing and has made this horrible process a little more bearable. Thank you Matt for being here for me even though you are a state away.

It is 11:15am and I have been doing my treatment now for over 2 hours. All of the pre-meds have been injected through IV in my port and the first round of "the red devil" was successfully hand injected by a long syringe. That was the hardest to watch knowing what the side effects are and what was going to happen next. Bryan has been here with me every step of the way and he has been my biggest fan. I also had a visit during my treatment from a good friend of mine as well as many texts last night and this morning to wish me well. I am very touched by the outpour of love that I am receiving.

My eyes are getting blurry and it is harder to type so I will post more later.

The Reveal

Here it is-Me and my new "wig"do. I went today to have a wigcut instead of a haircut. That was an interesting experience but I think it was worth it.

Things have been pretty quiet. I guess it is the calm before the storm. The last 2 weeks I have been trying to play catch up on all the things I could not do after surgery. Every day I get more energy which has been nice because I am able to get things done that I put off. We leave on Sunday to go to Playa Del Carmen and spend a week at the beach. I am looking forward to spending time with Bryan and being able to play with the kids because when the chemo starts, I will be sick and tired for awhile and wont be able to do things like I used to. Things will be rough so this will be good for all us. We get back in town on Sunday and then my chemo week begins. I have blood work on Monday and Wednesday, my first treatment on Thursday, and back on Friday for a shot to get my white blood counts back up. No wonder the chemo wears you out-I am exhausted just thinking about it all.

Human Pin Cushion

Tuesday I had a Cat Scan as well as finally clearing the port.  It was my first introduction to my new life at the Oncology Clinic or "the Chemo Store" as we refer to it now.  It was very evident that I was the new girl since I was the only one with hair and I felt as if  all eyes were on me.  I can not get my mind off of the little 6yr old boy that walked in holding his teddy bear in one hand and his moms hand in the other.  That could have been my daughter and it scared me. Wednesday I went to see my surgeon for my final follow up. He said everything looked good and he does not need to see me again for another year.

Today I went to Mercy Hospital and had a Muga Scan - Multiple Uptake Gated Acquisition Scan. It took them 5 sticks to get the IV started just to get to the scan.  The scan took pictures of my heart while it was pumping to see how well my heart pumps the blood now.   They are trying to ensure that I can handle the chemo on the first round because one of the drugs they are giving me (Adriamycin) is a very thick and powerful toxin that is often called "The Red Devil".  Sounds nice, huh?  I have so much to look forward to in the next 6 months that I can hardly stand it.

1st Oncology Visit

Another adventure today.  Had my first appointment with Dr. Rosenfeld and he seems really nice.  His nurse Aimee was also very sweet and he was not playing around when he said he wants to go aggressive with my treatment.  I will start my chemo on Oct 22nd.  The first phase will be once every other week for 8wks.  I am told to expect to be sick on day 2, 3, and 4, as well as fatigue and hair loss.  I know I mention that part a lot but that is the part that is breaking me down. The second phase will be once a week for 12 weeks.  Once that is all over I will start radiation. I am also going to be included in a clinical study because I am triple negative which in cancer lingo means I am negative in all the receptor categories (hoping I am explaining that right).  I will also do the genetic testing to see if I am a carrier for the Cancer gene.  I talked to the dr about my memory loss since I feel like I am forgetting everything.  He attributes that to the stress.  Lucky for me they have medicine for that.  In fact, I walked out with a pad of scripts. Tomorrow is another day of dr visits-I am having a cat scan done and that is when they will flush the port. Wednesday is my final follow up with my surgeon.

So much to think about and so may fears.  More updates later.

Resting

Today is another day of resting.  It seems as if that is all I do these days.  I started off this morning by getting fitted for a therapeutic compression sleeve for my arm.  The sleeve is to protect from getting lymphedema because of the lymph node system that was affected.  I have to wear it when I do any type of house cleaning that is a repetitive motion (dusting, sweeping, using the vacuum, painting, etc) as well as anytime I fly in an airplane.  I have to be careful and protect myself from bug bites as well as cuts anywhere on my left arm/hand.  I had no idea that this was something I would have to worry about for the rest of my life.  So much to think about it gets overwhelming.

Tomorrow I am going to get out for the first time since my last surgery (for something other than a dr appt).  Bryan and I are going to the Razorback game and I am really looking forward to it.  I can't tailgate all day like we normally do but I will meet up with the group later in the afternoon.  My sister and brother in law know how much I love to go to the game so they are staying home to watch Kaitlyn (we did not have anyone to watch her and would not have been able to go).  It means a lot to me that they are sacrificing the game so I can go and have a good time.  So thankful for that.

Go Hogs Go

Exhausting Day

Today started out rough and continued throughout the day.  I woke up early this morning and was not feeling well.  Apparently the pain pills are starting to show some wicked side effects and I wake up most mornings with nausea as well as spend a lot of nights struggling to sleep.  I have managed to cut back on the pain pills and only take them before bed and when I wake up which causes some pain throughout the day.  

Because I was sick this morning and feeling overwhelmed, I let my emotions get the best of me and I cancelled my plans and decided to just stay in bed.  My sister Ilene decided to come over anyway and sit with me and when I started to feel better, she took me out.  First Stop-The Cancer House!  Aside from the day I was diagnosed with Cancer, this was one of the toughest days I endured throughout this ordeal.  I received a lot more information to help me and my family through my journey as well as picked out 2 wigs to consider.  Just the thought of it all makes me sick.  My vanity has been shred into tiny pieces and I fell apart in front of people I had never met before.  The 2 ladies working there were very nice and were extremely sympathetic to me and my situation but it was hard to act like I was not bothered by it all-because I am and I am pissed about it!  I tried to act like it was not a big deal but putting on that first wig was a very emotional moment for me as I am sure it is for other men and women that go through this same thing.  I just keep asking-why me?  I managed to pull it together and get through all of the errands that I have been putting off for the past few weeks and then rested until I had to pick up the kids from school.

Cherie came over again tonight and brought some hair swatches and a catalog of wigs that can be ordered from her stylist.  Again, very overwhelming but needs to get done and glad Cherie thought to do that for me.  

Bryan left for OKC this morning and I am just thankful I remembered to feed the kids dinner and make sure both had a bath tonight.  I feel like I am losing my mind and things are slipping by me that normally would not.

Hoping for a better day tomorrow!

Surgeon Update

Went to see Dr. Friesen and he was very pleased with how things were going and how I was healing.  I don't have to go back to see him until the 23rd. Luckily, he was not mad at me for removing the drain tube early.  Since Bryan was traveling with work and I was not able to drive, my friend Tina Beyer took me and helped take notes and ask questions. Dr Friesen confirmed the pathology report with what he had already told me over the phone. He also told me that Breast Cancer in young women is the most aggressive kind of cancer. Although he is confident he did remove what was there and enough margin around it, he said there is no guarantee that it would not come back.  I like the fact that he is so upfront and honest with me yet encouraging at the same time. Because he removed 26 lymph nodes, I have to be very careful on the left side to avoid lymphodema. Alot of women that have breast cancer tend to get this if they have had alot of lymph nodes removed.  I have to get fitted for a pressure sleeve next week to reduce swelling if it occurs.

I officially have my first appt with the oncologist on Sept 21st.  We will talk about my plan of action to kill this toxin that invaded me as well as flush the port that was put in during surgery. I am also scheduled next week to get all the flu shots available.  I am considered high risk now so I qualify for the "swine Flu" shot and the other flu shots before anyone else.  

The meds that I am on are still making me tired.  I have no energy and all I want to do is lay in bed.  I get worn out just from going to the dr.  I remember the good old days when I used to pull all nighters or at least stay up past 9:00.  I am starting to get frustrated because I cant do all the things I used to do or do them as fast as I normally would.  If I have learned anything from this it is that I have to slow down.....that is going to be a work in progress.

Labor Day Weekend

I feel alive again.  Recovering from surgery and actually stayed awake all day. Spent the weekend laying around resting and had some visitors stop by. We spent Sunday evening with the Kelly's and had dinner cooked by Zachary.  He is turning out to be quite the griller.  Today Christy Turner (a friend of ours) and my in-laws came to hang out for awhile-had a great time. Also had a great visit with the Harrison's (Kassi, Derrick, and sweet baby Ryann).  It was good to see everyone.

I am looking forward to a normal week (as normal as it can be).  Bryan is doing some traveling so I will have some "babysitters" come by and hang out with me and help out with the kids.  My brother in law gets first shift followed by my sister. Tina is assigned for Wednesday and gets to take me to the doctor and then my honey comes back on Thursday.  My sister will take the kids to school for me this week so I can spend the day relaxing.  Thank goodness for all the help I am receiving.  I really cold not do this without the help of our friends and family.  I will update more after my follow up doctor appt.

Surgery Update

Wow-Hard to believe it is Friday already.  Surgery went well on Monday and I have been at home resting since then.  The medicine they gave me pretty much knocks me out so this is the first chance I have had to update my blog!  Once again Bryan has been great and has taken good care of me as well as everything that needs to be done around the house.  Dr Friesen removed 26 lymph nodes under my arm, removed a 1.5cm tumor in my left breast, and placed my port in for my chemo treatments.  I am still very sore and tired but doing better everyday.

I have had many calls and visits from friends that really care about me.  I had no idea some of my friends were such great cooks :).  Everyone is taking such great care of my family and making sure they are fed while I am recovering. Kudos to the Lasagna (Christy), Spaghetti (Cheridyth), and enchiladas (Lisa). I will definitely need to get these recipes and make it when I am up to it.  Guess box dinners wont cut it anymore!

Spent last weekend with some great friends (The Kelly's and the Bode's).  We had a bbq and they tried to keep my mind off of the surgery on Monday.  It was much appreciated.  I feel like I am jumping all over the place but my mind is running wild.  Went to the doctor for a follow up visit today.  Unfortuntely, the drain tube was not able to be removed so it looks like it will be with me until Tue or Wed.  The nurse did tell me I would still need several weeks to heal before the chemo starts.  Good news is she said it would work out to start as soon as we got back from Mexico (this was the trip for the kids during their fall break from school).  I did not think we would still get to go but the Doctor said I could still go and that it will be good to get away. Bad news is that the nurse reminded me of the hair loss and reality is starting to really settle in.  I did not handle that well at all today.  It is just hair right?  So why am I so freaked out by it?  My emotions are running all over the place and today has been an emotional one.

Last night Alex told me that he heard from a friend that I had Cancer.  I was so shocked and not ready to have that conversation at all.  Luckily Bryan was in the room with me and took over. We only told Alex I was sick because we were unsure how he would handle it all.  Bryan explained to him that I did have Cancer but I dont have it anymore.  He reassured Alex that they took it out.  He also told him I was getting better everyday.

more updates later....

Finally Friday

Most people are excited that it is finally Friday and are gearing up for the weekend.  I am excited because it is 1 day closer to being Cancer Free. My surgery is scheduled for Monday morning and I will be rid of this toxin that has invaded my body, mind, and soul. 

Yesterday was a big day.  I had my hair cut off to make it easier to handle during the surgery and chemo as well as preparing myself for what may happen.  I have never had my hair this short so it will be a huge adjustment trying to get used to it.  You can see how short it is from the side view.  Robert was amazing and respected my wishes and my fears.  We discussed the options and decided to keep it at this length for the initial cut and go shorter gradually over the next few weeks.  This will also help the kids adjust to the idea a little more.

This week has been crazy trying to take care of everything that needs to be done before surgery. Although from the looks of my house, it does not appear as if I have done anything at all.  I am emotionally checked out and ready for some sort of normalcy.  Bryan has been traveling with work this week and I am so glad he is back now.  His hugs make everything better and he makes me laugh which helps keep my spirits up.  

Kaitlyn has been in a battle with her allergies and she is fighting it every step of the way.  She has not felt great all week and turned 6 yesterday.  Alex appears to be holding up ok but I talked to some of his teachers and they say he is very worried about me.  Not surprised that he is not sharing those thoughts with me.  He has a gentle sweet soul.  Apparently, he is telling one of his teachers he is mad at the dr's because I am sick. He does not understand why I am tired and he also did not like the drain tube from the surgery 2 weeks ago.  Bryan and I will make sure to do a better job at hiding that from him this time so he does not get upset by it.  He managed to make his way in our bed again last night but it seems to make him feel secure so we will continue to do whatever it takes to comfort him (plus I love the extra hugs I get-he is such a great snuggler).

I am very lucky to say that I have amazing friends that call me just to check on me and offer their support everyday when Bryan is gone (and when he is here).  I am surrounded by people that love me and my family and that has truly helped me get through this ordeal this far. They have provided meals for me and the kids every night this week (and some a few weeks ago during my first surgery) which was a big help to me.  My friend Cherie' came by last night with a few goodies to cheer me up.  I now have my first official "Save the TaTa's Shirt" (which I love), some pink bling, and a special Guardian Angel coin with a ribbon symbolic of breast cancer on the back.  Bryan received his special Guardian Angel coin from Barbara and Kenny after 9-11.  He has carried it with him everyday for almost 8 years and it has alot of special meaning.  I am deeply touched to have one of my own to carry with me for strength during this tough time.

I am so grateful for all the help we have received.  I can't say thank you enough but I hope everyone realizes how much we appreciate everything they are doing to make things easier for us .  

Plain and Simple

Plain and simple.....This sucks! I am ready for this to all be over with but the reality is that it has just begun.  I spent the early morning trying to work and act as if nothing had changed and then went to shop for things that I will need after my surgery.  I shutter when the cashier looks at me and asks me how I am doing today.  If I told her the truth-it might scare her so I give the standard answer she wants to hear.  I feel like everyone is staring at me as if they already know but reality is you can't see Cancer.  I am sure it will get easier with time.

What an emotional Roller Coaster this has been. I have gone from mad, to sad, to angry, to feeling guilty and everything in between. Mad that it happened to me-why me?  Sad because I am scared of what will happen or what could happen. Angry that I am being tested. Why was I chosen to go through this after we have already been through alot this year with other life changes that were out of our control. Guilty that I am putting my family through all of this. Bryan has been my rock and I could not do this without him or the kids. This is a huge adjustment for all of us.  

Spent the evening with a great friend (shout out Van) who let me hit on all the emotions that I needed to and did not judge me for it.  All in all...it was a good day!

Tomorrow I am going up to the school to volunteer for the last time (for awhile).  The school has been amazing and staff have been extremely supportive of my situation.  My kids are very lucky to be blessed with wonderful people in their lives.

Learning to cope

Who would have thought that a little pain in my arm would change my life forever.  I find myself trying to remember what life was like before I was diagnosed.  It seems like I have been through a lifetime in just a few short weeks and my emotions are at an all time high.  I am starting this blog to keep friends and family informed on my journey (good or bad).  My intention is to update as well as educate and hope I can help others along the way.   As scared as I am for what is about to come, I know I have to be strong for my kids.  They don't understand why mommy is sick.  It breaks my heart to know that so many changes are about to happen and that their stability has been taken from them.  Little do they know that their lives are also about to change.

After coming back from a 2 week trip in Hawaii, I thought I pulled a muscle from the luggage and had a hard time readjusting back from the 5 hr time change.  I walked into the Dr.'s office on July 29th as a healthy 38 yr old and would walk out out of the surgery center on Aug 13th as a Cancer Patient-How did that happen?  Why me?  I still remember the call from my surgeon the following Monday when he told me that the abnormal lymph node that I thought was a pulled muscle was cancer and that there was a primary source and they needed to find.  What I did not know until the next day was that they suspected Ductal Carcinoma Stage 3 and that I probably carried this unknown burden for 7-8 yrs. I was sent for a PET scan and a Breast MRI which confirmed all of my fears. I immediately had another ultrasound and a biopsy in the office to ensure it was the primary source.  Luckily everything else came back normal and it was an isolated mass.   Guess I should feel lucky but right now I don't.  

My next surgery  is scheduled for Aug 31st.  They will remove the remainder of the infected lymph nodes as well as doing a lumpectomy in my left breast.  They are also going to place the port in for the chemo treatments that will begin after I recover from the surgery.  My surgeon is confident but is also realistic.  The chemo will make me very sick and hair loss is inevitable. 

Continue to check the site for updates on surgeries, daily journals, and random thoughts. Thanks to all my friends and family for all the love and support that has been shown to me and my family over the past few weeks.