Having only 8 more treatments to go and already enduring 12 weeks of this madness, I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Then its onto the next phase which is surgery and reconstruction starting at the end of March. I am so ready for it to all be over and be able to move on. I still hibernate all the time due to low immune system and fear of getting sick but the other reason is I am still uncomfortable with all the stares I feel I get. It is still odd for me that I "look different" not to mention feel different. I didn't change styles with my real hair/looks for the same reason so why should I feel comfortable with the change now? Add on the excessive water weight/weight gain and I feel I am almost unrecognizable in my own skin. I have not weighed this much since I was 9 months pregnant. I wish it did not bother me-but it does. I know it sounds superficial and I should not worry about it right now but it is hard not to when when your face and body hurts so bad from being swollen due to all the water that has invaded my body. I have gained 25 lbs since Oct so you could only imagine what it is like when none of your clothes fit and everyone tells you how great you look. REALLY!!!!!
So-that is how I really feel today. Had my appt. today for lab work before the next poison session and the dr. assures me all of this will go away when I am done and how he is so proud of me. How could he be proud of me-I dont have a choice in the matter but to keep showing up. The nose bleeds, the body pains, the weight gain, lack of sleep due to steroids, the constant worry about what would happen next or what side effect would be in my future (it is like Christmas and you never know what you are going to get). And yet I continue to get up each day and conquer whatever it is that stands in my way.
Maybe this was the reason I stayed away from my actual feelings vs what was really happening. OK-I feel better now.
