So Close-I can taste it!!!!

What a beautiful thing it is to realize I only have 1 more treatment left and then I am finished. It almost seems surreal since it has been such a huge part of my life since Aug. '09. Proud to say that Bryan and I have remained strong in our love for each other as well as ensuring a smooth adjustment for the kids during all of this. Looking back and remembering what it was like in the beginning is very emotional for me because of what I had to endure, for what Bryan and the kids had to go through by watching it all and not being able to do anything about it, and all the people that will go through it next. I am so glad to know that we can all look back and be thankful we made it and are better and stronger for it.

Just had my weekly treatment today and was surrounded and entertained (literally) by 3 great friends and a wonderful husband. I feel so lucky to have such great people in my life that support me and love me during what seemed to be the hardest time in my life. Had a good week this week and last. Nosebleeds are still under control but not gone completely. Had a little bit of the body aches, heartburn, and was tired easily but I skipped my daily nap this week and kept myself busy with working and running errands. My taste buds checked out and no longer work. Everything tastes the same now-like cardboard with different textures. Good news is I have not gained weight in almost 2 weeks. This will be a good time to start on the diet since I haven't been eating alot. Problem is I am still eating things that are not good for me. I find myself still eating the bad foods even though I can't taste it.....I just tell myself I used to like it so it must be good! Dr says taste buds probably wont come back until mid April. I am hoping he is shooting high because I LOVE to eat.

I am hoping this week is as good as last week and that it goes by quickly. I am so ready for next Friday. Bring It On!

T.G.I.F.

Its been a good week for me and my labwork proved it today. Best blood count I have had since I started all the chemo treatments. Other than being exhausted from the meds and the constant nose bleeds, I am doing well on Taxol. Not sure if I mentioned it but my hair is starting to grow back and 2 more treatments and I am finished-AMEN to that!!!!!!!!!!!

Because of the nosebleeds, I have not been able to do the clinical study that I am on. One of the side effects was nose bleeding and guess what-I have had it! My Dr. sent me to see an ENT this week to see about cauterizing my nose to help with the nose bleeds. The ENT Dr. ended up just giving me some spray and a gel to help slow it down and cleaned out my nose with a long tube. Sounds kinda gross but he numbed it first so it did not hurt. It has definitely helped but not stopped it completely.

Had a treatment today and it went well. Plan on spending the weekend at home and ensuring my counts stay where they are. I just hate that I have to miss alot of the fun things (parties, events, dinners, etc.) for fear of germs. I am sure I will make it up to everyone this summer when I am better.

The End Is Near

Just a few more weeks and I am finished. Actually hard to believe that I have endured 15 weeks of chemo with only 5 more treatments to go. When I was told 20 weeks of chemo-it seemed like a lifetime. Amazing how time has gone by (although not because it was fun).

Had a few weeks of a rough patch with aches and pains that we could not explain which meant a trip to the hospital but nothing serious. Turned out to be the port has shifted and the rest was chalked up to side effects of the chemo. They put me on prednisone for the pain. Good thing we are almost done because the port will come out as soon as I complete my last round of chemo. D Day is March 5th. Also, still having the nosebleeds. I should invest stock in Kleenex at the rate I am going. Other than aches, bone pains, nose bleeds, and lack of energy, this new regimen of Taxol has been manageable. A 30 min trip to Wal Mart or Target is exhausting and then I usually have to take a nap. Some due to the fact that I have no energy and some due to the fact I dont sleep at night. I cant wait until this is over and I am laying on the beach with a good book. I am going to sleep for a week.

Another round of chemo is scheduled for this Friday. I am sad that I will have to miss the kid's Valentine's parties at school. Alex is pretty bummed about it since it is the first party I have ever missed. He was hoping I could still make it-depends on how I feel after my treatment....I am such a sucker and dont want to see him sad. I am looking forward to seeing who comes to visit me at the chemo store this week. I have great friends ("my entourage" as some refer to them as) who have surprised me weekly with their smiling faces. Sure makes it fun-well as fun as it can be for the chemo store. Thanks Dee, Cheridyth, Sheila, Cherie, Christy, Van, Matt, Lisa, Oma, and of course Bryan. Your support means the world to me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, a big thank you to my Elm Tree Elementary family. Looks like a team is being formed for the cancer walk/Run in April that will be in my honor. I am deeply touched by what everyone is doing to help support me and the cure for cancer.

The Ugly Truth

It has been awhile since I have blogged. Simply stated-I got bored with all the "Matter of Fact" blogs that I have been writing. I have spent the last 6 months telling everyone exactly what I have been going through at each dr appoint, treatment, and viruses that I have caught-but I have left out alot of the emotional aspect of "how I am really doing" due to the many details that I thought needed to be shared. I was telling a friend how I really felt the other day and she said the strangest thing......."Why don't you blog it"!

Having only 8 more treatments to go and already enduring 12 weeks of this madness, I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Then its onto the next phase which is surgery and reconstruction starting at the end of March. I am so ready for it to all be over and be able to move on. I still hibernate all the time due to low immune system and fear of getting sick but the other reason is I am still uncomfortable with all the stares I feel I get. It is still odd for me that I "look different" not to mention feel different. I didn't change styles with my real hair/looks for the same reason so why should I feel comfortable with the change now? Add on the excessive water weight/weight gain and I feel I am almost unrecognizable in my own skin. I have not weighed this much since I was 9 months pregnant. I wish it did not bother me-but it does. I know it sounds superficial and I should not worry about it right now but it is hard not to when when your face and body hurts so bad from being swollen due to all the water that has invaded my body. I have gained 25 lbs since Oct so you could only imagine what it is like when none of your clothes fit and everyone tells you how great you look. REALLY!!!!!

So-that is how I really feel today. Had my appt. today for lab work before the next poison session and the dr. assures me all of this will go away when I am done and how he is so proud of me. How could he be proud of me-I dont have a choice in the matter but to keep showing up. The nose bleeds, the body pains, the weight gain, lack of sleep due to steroids, the constant worry about what would happen next or what side effect would be in my future (it is like Christmas and you never know what you are going to get). And yet I continue to get up each day and conquer whatever it is that stands in my way.

Maybe this was the reason I stayed away from my actual feelings vs what was really happening. OK-I feel better now.

Here is to a New Year

Its been awhile since I blogged last and it has been a busy 2 weeks. After the blood transfusion, I was feeling great. I had another round of chemo on the 17th and the 24th. We even came home from Chemo and made a Christmas Dinner. During those 2 weeks, I finished my shopping, cooked dinners, went to holiday parties, took the kids to the movies, and just felt myself again. You tend to take alot of those things for granted until you cant do it anymore. It was so nice and I enjoyed every minute of the precious time I had and was so thankful to be well enough during the holidays so I could participate with the kids. To say the very least, I did not stop. The snow we had was an added bonus. I am also happy to report that after todays chemo, I am officially over the hump and on the downhill slide. 11 weeks down and 9 to go. Target date for the last treatment is scheduled for March 5th.

My luck did run out and it caught up with me. I got very sick the day after Christmas and today is the first day I am feeling better. I had to wait out the weekend and called the Oncology Clinic on Monday. They were able to see me and said I had a sinus infection. My nose had been bleeding for days but some of it was the infection and some could be a side effect from the chemo. I got some antibiotics and went home since my blood counts were not concerning. They suggested I stay for fluids but we had the kids and after being there for 2 1/2 hrs I was willing to wait it out and see what happened. My throat was also hurting but we attributed it to the drainage. By that night, I realized very quickly it was not my throat but my neck muscles (or lymphnodes in my neck) and I was having a hard time catching my breath when I got out of bed. By Tuesday, my neck muscles hurt so bad that I could not even get up or roll without feeling like my muscles were tightening up and I was out of breath just walking to the kitchen. For fear of what could happen and the unknown of what was going on, we went to the ER. I had another infection and I got a shot of an antibiotic as well as another antibiotic to take home. I feel like I can open up a pharmacy at my house with all the meds I am taking. They are thinking the muscle pain is from the chemo and it is common to have arthritis/muscle pain but not usually in the neck area. The dr in the Emergency Room seems to think the pain radiated in my neck from the infection that I had( I am not so convinced but I dont have M.D. behind my name). Needless to say, Wednesday I got sick from all the drugs in my system so I was worried I would not be well enough to have chemo today. Luckily, I woke up much better and off we went. The DR advised me to stay away from large populated areas, movies, schools, etc and to not compromise my health if I did not absolutely have to. So homebound I am to get my immunities back up (but not for long). I will get out again once everyone is back in school and less people are out.

So Cheers to a New Year in 2010. May we all have lots of good health, love and happiness coming our way.

A Great Day

The last several posts seem very negative so I am happy to report that I am having a great day today (and yesterday). I actually got out of the house today and went to the grocery store (with husband in tow), dropped off the kids for school, picked them up, wrapped a few gifts, helped with homework, and cooked dinner. It has been a long time since I was able to say the famous 3 words....Dinner is ready! What a feeling it is to be back in the land of the living. Bryan says he is happy to have his wife back and I am thrilled to be back-even for a short time. I laughed today and it felt good to appear normal. I feel like I got so much accomplished today and I feel in control again. I love it.

I have a muga scan follow up scheduled for tomorrow. They are checking to make sure that the chemo regimen I was taking did not damage my heart. It is protocol before they can start the second regimen since the one I was doing is known to cause heart damage. The second regimen (Taxol) starts Friday and will continue for 12 weeks. The side effects are supposed to be minimal compared to what I have been through for the past 8 weeks. I dont expect a cake walk but do expect to function alot better than I have been. I have enjoyed my naps but I am hoping those days are gone-I have too much to do.

I am looking forward to the Holiday parties at school this week and then spending 2 weeks at home with the kids. Happy Holidays to everyone!

What a week

Interesting for sure. Had my last round of the bad chemo and something told me to prepare myself. I left the chemo chair feeling unsettled and my nurse Karen (not my normal nurse but a great one) asked me to come back on Fri for IV fluids. She thought it would help me feel better and keep from dehydrating. I still did not feel better after the fluids so she asked me to come in on Monday if I was still sick over the weekend. By Monday I was worse and Bryan had to convince me to get out of bed and go to the chemo store. Katie (my regular nurse) took one look at me and off we went. Fluids were pumped in and I was hopeful. All of a sudden, things just got weird and I did not feel right. My blood counts dropped and my blood pressure was dangerously low. Next thing I remember was getting a shot to kick in my red blood count and being sent to the hospital for cross matching. I was so weak I had to be in a wheelchair. I was sent home after the blood tests and had to be back at 8:00 Tue morning for a blood transfusion. Bryan was scheduled to leave that morning and he could not do it so he cancelled his work trip to be with me. It took 9 hours to get all the blood I needed. Once again I was sent home and told I would feel better in about 24 hours which I did, but still not great. I am so thankful I am done with the worst of the chemo and ready to start the weekly doses that are not supposed to be as hard. I feel like I am missing out on so much and it is getting harder and harder to stay positive. I have been blessed with great people that have been there for me through it all and have seen me through the worst of this. Now if I can just get well enough to get out and start shopping for Christmas-I would be a happy camper.