Finally Friday

Most people are excited that it is finally Friday and are gearing up for the weekend.  I am excited because it is 1 day closer to being Cancer Free. My surgery is scheduled for Monday morning and I will be rid of this toxin that has invaded my body, mind, and soul. 

Yesterday was a big day.  I had my hair cut off to make it easier to handle during the surgery and chemo as well as preparing myself for what may happen.  I have never had my hair this short so it will be a huge adjustment trying to get used to it.  You can see how short it is from the side view.  Robert was amazing and respected my wishes and my fears.  We discussed the options and decided to keep it at this length for the initial cut and go shorter gradually over the next few weeks.  This will also help the kids adjust to the idea a little more.

This week has been crazy trying to take care of everything that needs to be done before surgery. Although from the looks of my house, it does not appear as if I have done anything at all.  I am emotionally checked out and ready for some sort of normalcy.  Bryan has been traveling with work this week and I am so glad he is back now.  His hugs make everything better and he makes me laugh which helps keep my spirits up.  

Kaitlyn has been in a battle with her allergies and she is fighting it every step of the way.  She has not felt great all week and turned 6 yesterday.  Alex appears to be holding up ok but I talked to some of his teachers and they say he is very worried about me.  Not surprised that he is not sharing those thoughts with me.  He has a gentle sweet soul.  Apparently, he is telling one of his teachers he is mad at the dr's because I am sick. He does not understand why I am tired and he also did not like the drain tube from the surgery 2 weeks ago.  Bryan and I will make sure to do a better job at hiding that from him this time so he does not get upset by it.  He managed to make his way in our bed again last night but it seems to make him feel secure so we will continue to do whatever it takes to comfort him (plus I love the extra hugs I get-he is such a great snuggler).

I am very lucky to say that I have amazing friends that call me just to check on me and offer their support everyday when Bryan is gone (and when he is here).  I am surrounded by people that love me and my family and that has truly helped me get through this ordeal this far. They have provided meals for me and the kids every night this week (and some a few weeks ago during my first surgery) which was a big help to me.  My friend Cherie' came by last night with a few goodies to cheer me up.  I now have my first official "Save the TaTa's Shirt" (which I love), some pink bling, and a special Guardian Angel coin with a ribbon symbolic of breast cancer on the back.  Bryan received his special Guardian Angel coin from Barbara and Kenny after 9-11.  He has carried it with him everyday for almost 8 years and it has alot of special meaning.  I am deeply touched to have one of my own to carry with me for strength during this tough time.

I am so grateful for all the help we have received.  I can't say thank you enough but I hope everyone realizes how much we appreciate everything they are doing to make things easier for us .  

Plain and Simple

Plain and simple.....This sucks! I am ready for this to all be over with but the reality is that it has just begun.  I spent the early morning trying to work and act as if nothing had changed and then went to shop for things that I will need after my surgery.  I shutter when the cashier looks at me and asks me how I am doing today.  If I told her the truth-it might scare her so I give the standard answer she wants to hear.  I feel like everyone is staring at me as if they already know but reality is you can't see Cancer.  I am sure it will get easier with time.

What an emotional Roller Coaster this has been. I have gone from mad, to sad, to angry, to feeling guilty and everything in between. Mad that it happened to me-why me?  Sad because I am scared of what will happen or what could happen. Angry that I am being tested. Why was I chosen to go through this after we have already been through alot this year with other life changes that were out of our control. Guilty that I am putting my family through all of this. Bryan has been my rock and I could not do this without him or the kids. This is a huge adjustment for all of us.  

Spent the evening with a great friend (shout out Van) who let me hit on all the emotions that I needed to and did not judge me for it.  All in all...it was a good day!

Tomorrow I am going up to the school to volunteer for the last time (for awhile).  The school has been amazing and staff have been extremely supportive of my situation.  My kids are very lucky to be blessed with wonderful people in their lives.

Learning to cope

Who would have thought that a little pain in my arm would change my life forever.  I find myself trying to remember what life was like before I was diagnosed.  It seems like I have been through a lifetime in just a few short weeks and my emotions are at an all time high.  I am starting this blog to keep friends and family informed on my journey (good or bad).  My intention is to update as well as educate and hope I can help others along the way.   As scared as I am for what is about to come, I know I have to be strong for my kids.  They don't understand why mommy is sick.  It breaks my heart to know that so many changes are about to happen and that their stability has been taken from them.  Little do they know that their lives are also about to change.

After coming back from a 2 week trip in Hawaii, I thought I pulled a muscle from the luggage and had a hard time readjusting back from the 5 hr time change.  I walked into the Dr.'s office on July 29th as a healthy 38 yr old and would walk out out of the surgery center on Aug 13th as a Cancer Patient-How did that happen?  Why me?  I still remember the call from my surgeon the following Monday when he told me that the abnormal lymph node that I thought was a pulled muscle was cancer and that there was a primary source and they needed to find.  What I did not know until the next day was that they suspected Ductal Carcinoma Stage 3 and that I probably carried this unknown burden for 7-8 yrs. I was sent for a PET scan and a Breast MRI which confirmed all of my fears. I immediately had another ultrasound and a biopsy in the office to ensure it was the primary source.  Luckily everything else came back normal and it was an isolated mass.   Guess I should feel lucky but right now I don't.  

My next surgery  is scheduled for Aug 31st.  They will remove the remainder of the infected lymph nodes as well as doing a lumpectomy in my left breast.  They are also going to place the port in for the chemo treatments that will begin after I recover from the surgery.  My surgeon is confident but is also realistic.  The chemo will make me very sick and hair loss is inevitable. 

Continue to check the site for updates on surgeries, daily journals, and random thoughts. Thanks to all my friends and family for all the love and support that has been shown to me and my family over the past few weeks.